President Trump, please read this in its entirety. Yes, even past this line. There will be a trick paragraph break soon that may seem like a place where you should sign, but you shouldn't. It is only to insure that you have read this whole thing.
This Nondisclosure Agreement is entered into by and between JAMES COMEY, with principal offices at THE UNITED STATES FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION, and DONALD J. TRUMP, located primarily at THE SEAT IN FRONT OF THE WELL-DONE STEAK, SLATHERED IN KETCHUP, AT MAR-A-LAGO, for the purpose of preventing the disclosure of sensitive and confidential information, as detailed below.
- Confidential Information
For the purposes of this agreement, and for the purposes of "preventing a World War trilogy," Confidential Information includes:
• Our nuclear codes
• Any information provided by our allies regarding Syria
• Any information provided by our allies
• Any information
• Seriously, I will tell you when you can share information. I will specifically tell you.
• Anything that you have an inexplicable urge to share with Vladimir Putin like it's a fun secret you can giggle about. (We cannot emphasize this enough.)
- Obligations of Receiving Party
Receiving Party shall hold and maintain the Confidential Information in strict confidence for the benefit of the Disclosing Party. Under ZERO of the following circumstances may you break this confidence:
• If Russian diplomats ask
• If Russian diplomats ask nicely
• If Russian diplomats say something like, "I bet you don't know classified information."
• If you are trying to prove how much we trust you (as this will immediately prove why we should not)
• If you feel like you have to tell Vladimir because he told you a secret about his cousin that he claimed was "the best secret in the world," and you realized that you could very easily one-up this claim. (The secret was that his cousin practiced kissing on his arm till he was eighteen, which is significantly less interesting than our national security, so please please please don't fall for this.)
• If Billy Bush asks while on a bus
- Time Period
This N.D.A. shall remain in effect until the day that North Korea finally aims right.
- Penalty for Breaching This N.D.A.
There will be a penalty for breaching this N.D.A., which is that I will get fired. Wait, that can't be right. No, I re-read it. I guess that is right.
X DONALD J. TRUMP
