1937: “AMELIA EARHART, FAMED WOMAN PILOT, LOSES CONTACT WITH GROUND CONTROL AND VANISHES MID-FLIGHT OVER SOUTH PACIFIC”
Authorities are still searching land and sea for the missing plane.
1940: “BONES FOUND OFF COAST OF JAPAN MIGHT HAVE BELONGED TO AMELIA EARHART”
Skeletal remains found near the Japanese mainland have been sent to Fiji for evaluation by an anthropologist whom nobody has vetted but whose expertise is in pilot bones.
1941: “BONES HOPED TO BE AMELIA EARHART’S PROBABLY BELONGED TO MAN, ACCORDING TO BRITISH DOCTOR WITH NAPOLEON COMPLEX WHO MIGHT STILL BE A VIRGIN”
A specialist determined that the skeleton found off the coast of Japan was male—and, therefore, not Earhart—since it measured five-eight, and he’d never seen a woman over four-nine, and he is personally five-six.
1942: “POSSIBLE MAN BONES, ORIGINALLY IDENTIFIED AS AMELIA EARHART’S, PROBABLY LOST FOREVER BECAUSE OF NEGLIGENT BONE-KEEPER WHO WAS MAYBE DOING WEIRD STUFF WITH THE BONES”
Anthropologists have launched a search for the mystery bones identified as potentially belonging to Earhart, leaving many wondering: what did the short anthropologist do with the bones, and is he still a virgin?
1968: “COULD THESE BE AMELIA EARHART’S BONES? NO, THESE ARE WHALE BONES”
It was a boy whale, and he was tall even for a whale.
1972: “RECOVERED: IN-FLIGHT AUDIO FROM AMELIA EARHART’S PLANE REVEALS NAVIGATOR, FRED NOONAN, REFUSED TO STOP AND ASK FOR DIRECTIONS”
A lost radio recording has surfaced in which Earhart can be heard telling Noonan that he “couldn’t navigate his way out of a burlap sack,” to which Noonan replies, “I didn’t know we’d be flying in the dark.”
1985: “AMELIA EARHART’S POCKET WATCH FOUND IN INDONESIAN PAWNSHOP, MIGHT BE EVIDENCE OF SURVIVAL”
A tourist has found a watch that looks remarkably like one Earhart used to wear. Could it be hers?
1986: “POCKET WATCH PREVIOUSLY BELIEVED TO HAVE BELONGED TO EARHART ACTUALLY JUST FEATURED HER IMAGE PRINTED ON ITS FACE”
Correction: The aforementioned tourist, in fact, found a watch that looked remarkably like Earhart, leaving many wondering: why would she have a watch with her own face on it?
1999: “AMELIA EARHART’S MARRIAGE DIDN’T SURVIVE HER PLANE CRASH, BUT IT COULD HAVE, ACCORDING TO LEADING RELATIONSHIP EXPERT”
Marriage requires patience, strength, and sometimes a Ouija board.
2017: “POTENTIAL PHOTOGRAPH OF AMELIA EARHART IN MARSHALL ISLANDS AROUND TIME OF DISAPPEARANCE MIGHT OFFER NEW EVIDENCE, BUT THEN AGAIN IT MIGHT NOT”
A vintage photograph has emerged depicting an unidentifiable blob that resembles Earhart, if the viewer squints.
2017: “UNEARTHED BLACK-AND-WHITE PHOTO THOUGHT TO BE OF EARHART TURNS OUT TO BE MAN WHO NEEDED HAIRCUT”
He was reportedly facing the ocean, contemplating whether to continue hiding his overgrown hockey cut under an aviator cap.
2021: “PARTS OF PLANE BELONGING TO EARHART FOUND IN OCEAN, BUT ALSO COULD BE FROM ANY OTHER CRASHED PLANE, INCLUDING J.F.K., JR.,’S OR PLANES FROM 9/11”
The possibilities are nearly endless. The police have the best retired dads, with no experience in the field, on the case, postulating theories in comment sections.
2021: “WOULD J.F.K., JR., AND AMELIA EARHART HAVE GOT ALONG? STUDIES SUGGEST YES, ESPECIALLY AFTER A FEW DRINKS”
“You could build an entire relationship around drinking and flying planes,” a leading relationship expert says, who is four times divorced and somehow still getting quoted.
2022: “CONTROVERSIAL PODCASTER ASKS IF AMELIA EARHART WAS VACCINATED”
“She might still be here,” he said, live on air, right before an intern whispered in his ear.
2023: “NEW THEORY EMERGES WHEREIN AMELIA EARHART WAS CAPTURED BY JAPANESE GOVERNMENT AND NOW WORKS IN SUSHI RESTAURANT AS PERSON WHO CUTS THE LITTLE PLASTIC GRASS”
She’s happy and well fed—let it go.
2025: “EARHART’S JOURNAL REVEALS THAT SHE’S NOT DEAD IN THE PHYSICAL SENSE BUT RATHER IN THE SKULL-EMOJI SENSE, AFTER SEEING A PICTURE OF A PENGUIN IN A SWEATER”
The sweater had an image of a penguin embroidered on it, making it all the more lethal.
2027: “MOUNTING EVIDENCE SHOWS AMELIA EARHART NEVER DIED, WAS NEVER ALIVE—THIS IS ALL A SIMULATION, AND WE ARE NOT REALLY HERE”
“If nothing is true, then everything is true,” Walter Cronkite asserts posthumously.
2032: “AMELIA EARHART FOUND ALIVE ON INDONESIAN ISLAND, VANISHES INTO PLUME OF PURPLE SMOKE UPON BEING DISCOVERED”
Gender-reveal specialists debate the meaning of the purple smoke. Cannabis enthusiasts debate the strain.
2039: “AMELIA EARHART WINS INDONESIAN ELECTION IN A LANDSLIDE, STATES THAT SHE IS ACTUALLY IMMORTAL, LOOKS FORWARD TO RUNNING EMPIRE FOR CENTURIES TO COME”
She is currently being pursued by Boeing for an endorsement. ♦
