NEW HAMPSHIRE (The Borowitz Report)—After suffering a poor showing in the New Hampshire primary on Tuesday night, the former Hewlett-Packard C.E.O. Carly Fiorina cheered herself up by firing her entire campaign staff, fired staffers confirm.
Minutes after the returns started coming in, revealing that Fiorina had no chance of making a respectable showing, the former business executive acknowledged that she was “sad at first—but then I realized that every failure is an opportunity, and in this case I had an opportunity to give some people the axe.”
After delivering pink slips to her entire campaign staff, Fiorina said, “I started feeling better already.”
“That’s the one thing you have to understand about Carly Fiorina—she doesn’t stay down for long,” she said.
Fiorina said that she had “no regrets” about running for President, despite her dismal showing in New Hampshire. “I got to downsize a lot of people tonight, and that makes me a winner,” she said.
