MAR-A-LAGO BATHROOM, Fla.—According to current and former and probably also future U.S. officials, President Trump is guilty of yet another Very Illegal Thing. It is similar to all the previous Very Illegal Things, but somehow Even Worse. No former President has committed anything like this, let alone within the first term of the Presidency.
This Illegal Action threatens our national security, as well as our relationships with our allies, and will most likely result in nuclear warfare. According to the Constitution, which Trump has “totally read, of course, obviously,” the Commander-in-Chief is not allowed to perform the act that Trump actually performed just now, in the fifteen minutes before his next round of golf. It has been five months since President Trump, who at one point wanted to impress Billy Bush on a bus, took office.
The latest Illegal Action, along with everything else the man has done, provides us with new reasons to suspect that Trump has, yet again, been scheming with the Russians. One of the most compelling pieces of evidence is that Trump was caught openly scheming with the Russians. We are waiting for more reasons to officially declare whether Trump was ever scheming with the Russians.
Jared Kushner has argued that what his father-in-law did was perfectly legal, and that he endorses it, leading many to suspect that Kushner may also be in on the scandal. Kushner is best known for getting his job via nepotism and being a white man.
The Speaker of the House of Representatives, Paul Ryan, declined to comment. The House Majority Leader, Kevin McCarthy, declined to comment. The Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, declined to comment. Chris Christie also declined to comment, which was weird, because we hadn’t reached out to him in the first place. Ben Carson did comment, but we couldn’t transcribe his words because they were unintelligible and, let’s be honest, probably irrelevant.
Our only on-the-record comment came from the Commander-in-Chief himself, via Twitter. It read, “I would never do Illegal Thing, despite all the evidence that I did do Illegal Thing.” This statement was officially released after four failed attempts to spell “evidence.”
In closing, our opinion is that this New Illegal Thing is what will finally bring down Trump. It must be the final straw after, to review, he has already been accused of:
- Sexually assaulting multiple women.
- Continuing to engage in corrupt business dealings around the world.
- Firing the F.B.I. director, James Comey, for investigating Trump’s ties to Russia.
- Sharing classified information with the Russian Ambassador and foreign minister.
- Trying to eliminate the health-care system.
- Building a campaign on racism, Islamophobia, and sexism.
- Like, all those things should have really done it by now, right?
- How is that not enough??
- HOW MUCH WORSE DOES HE NEED TO GET?!
- DO WE NEED TO RELEASE THE PEE TAPES?!
- HAVE WE GONE INSANE?! WHAT IS HAPPENING?! HE DOESN'T EVEN WANT THIS JOB!! DO YOU KNOW HOW DUMB OUR ARTICLES LIKE “MUST-TRY UNDER-THE-RADAR RAMEN RESTAURANTS IN PORTLAND” LOOK RIGHT NOW?? CAN WE NOT CATCH ONE BREAK?? DON’T YOU WANT TO CARE ABOUT RESTAURANTS AGAIN???
All right, well, it looks like this Illegal Thing is just going to be another cute tile. Can’t wait for the next one that will inevitably happen in, like, two hours.
