Eight Habits of Highly Successful People You Can Try Today

PHOTOGRAPH BY NICK CUNARD / EYEVINE / REDUX

Drink coffee.

You may have noticed that you never see anyone wasting time in a Starbucks. That's because coffee drinkers are some of the most productive drinkers you will ever meet. Even if you don't really like coffee or it makes it impossible for you to digest food properly, you should start drinking it all day, every day. Come up with a personalized order that makes you sound unique and sophisticated. Ideally, your coffee drink should have at least four words in it and contain two languages, minimum.

Have an e-mail account.

E-mail is one of the best-kept secrets of the professional world. Many people feel that they don't generate enough electronic mail to justify the cost of an e-mail account. But what Joe Public doesn't know is that e-mail is free! The best e-mail addresses combine some personal bit of information with a meaningful number, like the current year or your age. (Pro tip: the e-mail addresses brownhairedmatrixfan1999@bloober.com and rossandrachel4ever@wahoo.com are already taken.)

Hold some political opinions.

Do you watch politics? Politics can be troublesome for a lot of us. The best way to get some politics is from the comment sections under controversial articles. Internet readers have some of the most well-thought-out opinions in society. Look for headlines that make you think to yourself, How can they say such a bold thing right there in the headline? I'd better read the comments immediately so that I can better understand why I will be upset about this story. Just scan the comments for the one in all caps with no punctuation. That is usually the right one.

Be in a relationship with someone.

You can find people with whom you can have a relationship on dating apps, or, if you're a thrill seeker, also occasionally in actual life. But heads up: you cannot swipe left in real life, so always be ready to change towns if need be.

Don't fear your dentist; make your dentist fear you.

Overcoming an unsuccessful person's natural fear of the dentist will give you an advantage over your many dentist-fearing rivals. Make your dentist dread your visits by chasing a bag of kettle corn with a wheel of Stilton in the parking lot beforehand.

Clean the mayonnaise out of your computer keyboard.

We've all done it. You're enjoying a sandwich while typing up your manifesto on success and bam! The next thing you know, that B.L.T. has drowned the “H,” “J,” and “K” keys in a pool of grease. A successful person isn't going to wait to deal with that mess! (Alternative solution: make the switch to Miracle Whip, which is technically not food, and only enhances keyboard performance.)

Convince people that you understood "Citizen Kane."

Most people recoil in intimidation when invited to join conversations about "Citizen Kane." All you need to do is work in words like "economic disparity," "capitalistic allegory," and "sled," and people will be convinced of your superiority and success and will refrain from pressing you further. Once you've mastered this technique, move on to the advanced habit of baffling acquaintances with a scathing critique of the film's prequel, which does not actually exist.

Get stung by fewer bees.

Show me a successful person and I'll show you someone who's been stung by some bees. Bee stings can serve an important role in the character-building that the successful deem so valuable. But how many bee stings are too many? Constant affliction by bee stings can result in a struggle to meet deadlines and disfigurement by swelling. Cut back on bee stings by limiting the amount of time you spend in flower-carpeted meadows pondering your quest for success. Or consider a career change from your beehive-relocation business.

If you benefitted from any of these tips, please e-mail brownhairedmatrixfan1999@bloober.com with details.